Chapter 1: Almost Kidnapped

  I entered Keke today. I was going somewhere distant. It should have cost 80 naira. But I asked the Keke rider to take Hundred naira. He looked at me and said "Hundred naira?".
  I raised eyebrows to him.
  He said "Thank you".
  He dropped me off at a junction a little off where I ought to drop. It was a crowded area. I gave him an extra 50 naira and said
  "Happy Easter".
  He smiled, shook his head and said
  "Thank you, as you dey go so, no look back".
  Then he drove away. As his Keke rolled into the the traffic that was accumulating, warm piss filled my Jeans. I think a random act of not so random kindness my have saved my ass from kidnappers.
  Even if I got kidnapped I would have still found a way to talk to y'all. I'm smart ASF, I would have left dumb clues for y'all to figure out. And I'm pretty sure I would have kept my captors entertained, I might say they may shed a tear or two when/if they let me go. I'd annoy every fibre of their being, I know, but they'll miss me. I bet you're glad that's not the case.
  If you've been paying attention you'll notice there's a huge chunk of detail left out of the first paragraph (read it again if you didn't pay attention). Well here goes the full story

  As I'd mentioned earlier, I was going somewhere that would have cost me 80 naira. I stopped this Keke, there were a pretty girls with light make up, a pale looking dude and another guy who had really large nostrils. I was with 1000 naira I told the Keke rider my price, "80 Maria to Post Office. He said he only had 850 for change but that he'll get more change as we went on. I said no problem, that he could take 100 naira.
  He said "100 naira!".
  I don't remember if it was an exclamation or a question. But I raised my eyebrows twice and smiled, like the fucking weirdo that I am.
  I sat in front with him, there were 3 other people in the backseat. We made small talk about how difficult things generally were in the country, the unpaid salaries and general chaos that is Nigeria and Nigerianess.
  Not many metres off where he picked me he dropped off the pretty with light make up, before I even got a chance to shoot my shot. He asked me to go sit at the back
  "you na my guy, sit down well well,  no fear".
  Fear? Big guy like me, for what na? I went to the back seat. I noticed for the first time the face of the guy with the large nose and his build, mans was huuuuge. But as a hard guy and small big guy I greeted him. He barely answered and turned his big neck from me. Who is this one forming for? With your fake Ray Pan glasses and your Fela sandal.
  The Keke was having trouble starting again. The Keke rider jerked a lever back and fort, the Keke didn'tbudeg. He did it three more times. He jerked it one more time, like his life depended on it, the Keke roared to life. From nowhere another Behemoth of a man came inside, he didn't even wait for me to shift, he moved me to the centre of the seat with hunk of a body. I protested,
  "oga na wa oh, you no fit greet, you just carry nyash push person, dey no dey do like that".
  Mans didn't budge. Then to the driver he said
  "make we dey go abeg".
  Half way through the rest of the trip, these Mammoths had successfully pinned me to the backseat. And they were oozing, oozing dirty brown and suck away green. I couldn't take it anymore so I fought my way forward. I tried to start small talk with the driver again but he had gone mute, either that or he was ignoring me.
   What's all this shit? It was at this point that a few thoughts started to creep up on me and I began to notice a thing here and there.
  Why did the driver say "no fear"? Why were this guys so huge? Why were they exchanging glances? Why were they sitting so close to the edge and blocking the exits with their bodies? Why was the big guy on the right making frequent calls? Why was he saying "Yes, No, Yes, No? Who was he talking to? Why was the driver not replying me? Most importantly WTF was going on?
  At this point fear and body odor had gripped my lungs. I was finding it hard to breathe. I rested my head on the railing that separated the driver from the passengers seat I said a silent prayer and I closed my eyes. I think I peed a little.
  I may have shed a tear or two, I may also have prepared a text I was going to send to my mum at the last minute. But I guess we'll never know.
  "Oga come down" the driver said.
  I heard him, I wanted to but how? This cows were covering the exit. I saw the cow with the smaller nose give the driver a stern look. The driver turned around and told him,
  "allow am come down".
  He hesistated, then he slowly moved his hulk out of the way. It felt like someone had taken their hands off my throat. Freedom had never felt so good and yet so far.
  "You no go come down?" brought my now limp limbs back to life. I got out and went to the driver's side. He gave me 900 naira
  I said "Thank you".
  I removed 50 naira from my change and handed it to him.
  "Happy Corona" I added.
  He collected it, looked at me, a glitter of awe shinning from the back corner of his eyes.
  "Thank you" he said. "As you dey go so, no look back" he added.
  I must say that as at the time I took the cab I was fresh off a blunt and a part of me thought I was being paranoid. "No look back" cleared every doubt I had.
  He drove off, I just stood there not knowing what to do.
If you're looking for the part where I tell you how I pissed myself I did that already, I'm not going to do it again.

Your favorite weirdo
Garba Coker.